Falling For You
by ask4more
Summary: When Susan leaves for Iowa, Abby realizes she's losing not only her boss, but her friend and her love.


**FALLING FOR YOU**

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Just some fluffy recycled stand-alone fic.

Abby's POV, set in late season 11/early season 12

DISCLAIMERS: ER is the intellectual property of Constant C Productions, Amblin Entertainment, and Warner Brothers Television.

No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

When she announces, right at the end of a staff meeting, that she has accepted that tenure track position in _fucking_ Iowa, I physically feel the sweat breaking on my temple. Taking advantage of everyone jockeying around Susan to hug her, I slip out of the door and rush down the hallway, trying to not embarrass myself in public.

As I clumsily try to secure the lock of the bathroom stall, a heavy teardrop stains my scrubs.

* * *

 _Oh, believe me, I've tried to replay every damn conversation in the last few years, trying to pinpoint the exact moment when things changed for me._

 _And I have no clue._

 _I hated her when we met. I hated her sunny disposition, hated that all the senior nurses loved her. I made myself believe the rumors that she was bound to break up Greene and Corday._

 _Of course, at the time, what really pissed me off was how quickly Carter stopped chasing me to follow her around like a lost puppy and even if she didn't really reciprocate my open hostility, it was more or less obvious that we'd never be friends._

 _Until that night when my neighbor assaulted me and she offered me her pull-out. I said no. But with that sardonic (and cute) bedside manner of hers, she pointed out that I was barefoot, in just a nightgown, without my car nor my wallet._

 _For a long time, I believed that what propelled me to accept her offer and not Luka's, was the fact that my relationship with him had ended awkwardly not so long ago._

 _Now in hindsight, everything is so much clearer: that night she extended me an olive branch and I took it willingly._

 _What drew me to her was her emotional strength, how she was he complete opposite of me. Susan had dumped her cowboy in Arizona and once in Chicago she dumped Carter because she wasn't in love with any of them._

 _I'm ashamed to admit that I've held on to hopeless relationships out of the pure fear of being alone. I'd done it with Luka and I was doing it with Carter until he pulled the plug on us and fled to Africa._

 _By then, we were already friends, spending time together on our day offs, eating out, getting each other lattes from Magoo's._

 _When I went back to med school, I'd call her late in the evening under the guise of reviewing some procedures but really wanting to hear that husky voice._

 _Being the emotional cripple that I am, I lost count of the opportunities I had to tell her how I feel. I know her, I am absolutely positive that if I told her how I feel, she'd give me that sweet smile and tell me that she was flattered but that she just didn't feel the same._

 _But she has Cosmo now._

 _Not to mention Chuck._

* * *

 _One night at her place, in the middle of some chick flick she insisted on, Susan turned to me and practically whispered "I just had an epiphany"._

 _"What?", I didn't really face until I noticed her green eyes on me._

 _"I never date the people in love with. It's like… I'm scared that I'll mess up and scare the feelings away…". Call me crazy but I could swear she said that looking into my eyes, her own eyes falling to my lips._

 _And that was the moment where I fucked up. That was my window period, if you will, where I could have planted one on her right there and finally find out if this thing wasn't one-sided after all._

 _But no, my cowardly self just back tracked, as usual. I averted my eyes from hers and just laughed it off. I could feel her eyes on me for a while after that but that was it._

 _Susan never said anything again and after a while, she was back with Chuck and pregnant with Cosmo._

* * *

 _I did her first ultrasound, my eyes watching her smile more than the monitor._

 _I brought her plain sundaes every time she had cravings and almost lost it when, at the sight of her treat, she sighed in jest "Marry me, Abby"._

 _I inserted a central line on Chuck that day the helicopter crashed on Romano thinking of her, of how destroyed she would be if he died._

 _I smiled like a fool at my graduation when I saw her in the back row cheering me on._

 _And I had to fight with my tear ducts when I held Cosmo for the first time, just a few hours after the delivery._

 _Susan deserved to be happy and I started hating myself for having these feelings._

 _I started getting jealous when she praised Neela._

 _When she was promoted to ER chief and called me out on my growing piles of paperwork, I blew her off._

 _I quit stopping by her place – Chuck was always there._

 _I rebuffed her when she teased me about my med student, Jake._

 _I started sleeping with him hoping she would notice, hoping she would call me out for being his supervisor._

 _Then Susan lost all the pregnancy weight and some and she looked absolutely fantastic._

 _And I started avoiding her on purpose, not trusting myself to be alone with her anymore._

* * *

It's her last shift and I've been avoiding her once again, but watching from afar. She keeps cracking jokes, saying she's glad she's out of this dingy place but I know her, I can tell she's gutted.

She started at County and she was doing a good job as head of department. No one says Carter isn't a great doctor but it's so obvious that it was his checkbook that got him the tenure position.

When Carter went back to Africa right away, shoving in everyone's face how irrelevant that job was to him, Susan didn't care to stay any longer. She wasn't going to stay in a place she wasn't valued. And effectively, she just had to send a few CV's around and she landed the position at Carver.

Right after a trauma, it dawned on me that there would be no more Susan the following day. I felt a knot on my throat, adrenaline coursing through my veins and before I knew it, I was knocking at her office's door.

" _Come in_ ".

 _That_ smile breaks across her face and I can't believe that I'll never see that smile again. Because that smile is _mine_ , for when we have coffee together and bitch about Weaver , or when we gossip about Luka's latest lay or when we watch trash TV on her couch.

"I didn't see much of you today", Susan says as she keeps on storing all her stationery in a cardboard box.

"Yeah, I was busy…", I whisper. My voice sounds funny and I clear my throat. I watch her stacking another pile of files and realize I had forgotten how pale her eyelashes are.

In a sudden burst of courage, I come round the desk and touch her forearm gingerly "Don't go…". I don't even recognize the gentle pleading tone of my voice and I watch as Susan looks up from my hand on her arm to my face. She gives me one of her gentle smiles, like the ones she gives to kids in the ER "I _have_ to go…".

I feel my eyes dropping to my feet because I'm a fucking coward.

And Susan cups my chin to make me look at her again and she whispers "Hey… I'm gonna miss you too…".

The moment my eyes land on hers again, I know I'm in trouble. I can't take it anymore and I can see it in her eyes now, she's feeling it – all the electricity, all the passion I've been harboring inside for such a long time.

And _damn_ , her hand is burning on my face and I have to do it otherwise I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

I kiss her softly partly because I'm scared she'll slap me and partly because I want it to last forever. And I'll admit, I may have fantasized a little about kissing her but wow… I always suspected she would be a great kisser because caring people usually are. But she pours so much into that kiss and kisses me properly with lips and tongue and the way she tilts her head…

My legs are like jelly when she pulls back and I suspect I would actually fall flat on my face if I hadn't my arms curled around her waist.

I study closely every inch of her face, the blush on her cheeks, her slightly disheveled hair, how the fine hairs on her forearms stand tall and proud.

Oh God, I am so turned on by just one _kiss_.

"Abby, we _have_ to stop", she almost pleads and I watch her quietly as Susan pinches the bridge of her nose, trying to assert herself. She takes a deep breath and speaks up "Look, I'm a bit of a mess, too. This place does that to one person. We've been through so much here, over the years…".

But I'm not going to back down now "Susan, I know this is crazy and I probably wouldn't say anything if you weren't leaving but I've known for a while that I l…".

Susan doesn't let me finish. She comes close, until our bodies touch again and she covers my lips with her fingers and whispers "I have Cosmo and Chuck… I _can't_ do this to them…".

* * *

I dive into my internship and the madness of the long hours make me forget for a while how miserable I am.

I commiserate with Neela in the cafeteria, try not to roll my eyes at her when she asks how's it going with Jake.

She chuckles over the rim of her cup "People are calling him your _boy toy_ ".

"That's… awful…", I say mildly embarrassed because that's really how I feel about this sham of a relationship. He makes me feel good but I can't imagine us being _together_. He's a great guy but he's so _young_ and _cheery_.

What the hell am I doing?

So I start using my email properly and we start exchanging emails. Just keeping in touch, we talk about work, about the weather.

We can be friends, I _can_ do this.

Susan sends me adorable pictures of Cosmo.

There's this photo where she's cradling him against her chest, unware of the camera, that might be the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.

* * *

I'm straddling his lap on my couch, my head back, my eyes closed. I can't help the thoughts that raid my mind… images of what I'd want to do to _her_ … _Shit_. The truth is that it gets me going and I need the release badly. Jake jerks his hips higher and I almost lose it "Oh, fuck…". He groans under me, he likes it when I swear. I can tell he's close too.

My phone rings and I let the answering machine pick it up. Jake is so worked up that he doesn't even notice the look on my face when her voice fills the room.

" _Hey, it's Susan. I was hoping to catch you, but I was on all night and then Cosmo was fussy all morning and I hadn't a chance to call you earlier… Anyway, I just wanted to say happy birthday, hope you had a good one… I miss you…"._

He convulses under me and softly, I extricate myself from his body, padding my way to the shower.

Under the shower head, I let the hot stream of water hit me, my tears finally flowing freely.

I spend the last half of my shift with this elderly patient, Mrs. Johnson, end stage pancreatic cancer. I try to make her as comfortable as possible but she's already maxed out on morphine. When I ask her how she is, she smirks "I'm dying, dear".

I nod solemnly and listen as she whispers about being finally in peace. I can tell she's making an effort to make eye contact with me "Doctor, do you believe in soul mates?".

"I'm… not sure", I answer honestly.

She smiles with her eyes closed "Well, I _do_. And I know Henry will be there, waiting for me".

"Is he your husband?", I ask, vaguely remembering her mentioning being a widow.

She shakes her head "No, my brother in law. I've been in love with him since I was fourteen, can you believe that? He was my sister's fiancée and the most handsome man I have ever seen… we fell for each other... He wanted us to elope but I couldn't do that to my own sister…".

"And you kept loving him?...".

"Every single day of my life. He was the one", she exhales and I watch her monitors but she's just dozing off on the meds.

That night when I get home, I dial her number, my stomach cramping from all the nerves. We chitchat for a while until I actually grasp the courage.

"Susan. I need to ask you something".

She goes quiet for a while like she's predicting where this is going "Sure".

"Are you _happy_?", I ask only because I really have to know for sure. Because if she tells me she is, I'm not going to keep torturing myself.

She chuckles nervously "What kind of question is _that_? My son is healthy, I'm healthy… Yeah, I'm _good_.".

I grow quickly unnerved "It's a fairly easy question to answer. You are or you aren't!".

Susan sighs "Things are not so simple… I… I don't know. Well, are you? Happy?".

"No".

The certainty in my voice startles the both of us and there's silence on both sides of the line. I want to tell her _more_ , I want her to know, to hear it from me.

"I'm in love with you. I don't expect you to do anything about it… but I just wanted you to know", as I say the words, I can feel the weight lifting off my chest.

Susan sighs "Abby, I _know_ … ".

* * *

It gets awkward for a while and we resume our communication by email. Not that I expected any different, but I needed to be upfront about it.

In another fit of blatant honesty, I break up with Jake when he starts insisting on me meeting his parents. When he asks if I'm cheating on him, I tell him the truth: I'm not cheating, but I'm in love with someone else.

This, in my line of thinking, is even worse.

He turns on his heels and slams the door on his way out. I know he expects me to run after him but it's not going to happen. I feel bad for leading him on but I know that he'll get over me quickly and he'll find some nice girl to marry.

I start my residency in the following week and I don't even have time to notice my loneliness. What surprises me the most is the fact that I haven't even had the urge to resort to alcohol.

This warm feeling that lingers on my chest is good, feels pure and instead of wanting to get rid of it, I keep it.

If only for myself.

* * *

Susan calls on Christmas Eve for the first time in months and we talk for over an hour on the phone. She babbles on excitedly about everything: her residents, her students at the university, how Cosmo loves swimming. She doesn't quite mention Chuck but I can hear him in the background.

I can tell there's something she's not telling me, but I don't push her.

I'm finally at peace with what I feel.

* * *

There's this day when I get home after coffee with Neela and my answering machine is blinking. I press it and go to my room to change. I expect it to be Maggie – she usually calls on Fridays – but it's Susan.

"Abby. I know we haven't talked in a while. I just wanted to touch base with you…".

I return to my living room and I hear her sighing. Then she adds in this tiniest voice "Chuck left me… I... I told him… I told him I was in love with you and he left me. Ugh, I don't know why I'm talking to your answering machine. This is _weird_. Sorry… Bye".

I smirk nervously and press the repeat button, I have to make sure this is _real_ and not some kind of auditory hallucination.

I go over and over it until I realize I've memorized all her words.

* * *

After a three-hour drive, I hesitate for a second before University of Iowa's Hospital entrance.

I'm not really sure of what I'm doing here but I know I do not want to be Mrs. Johnson.

I have to know for sure.

I go to the first floor and ask if Susan is working. The desk clerk eyes me suspiciously, wants to know if I am a patient. He says she's in a meeting and shows me the waiting area.

With my head resting against the wall, I doze on and off for a while, exhaustion from the trip after a 12h shift taking its toll on me.

A gentle tug startles me and Susan's hovering over me.

I've missed her _so_ much.

She sits in the nearby chair, a little smile dancing on her lips "What are you doing _here_?".

"I have no idea", I answer honestly, looking into her beautiful eyes.

* * *

I wander around her living room, looking at all the pictures while Susan puts Cosmo down. When she comes back, she's wearing jeans and a black top and I can feel all the butterflies inside me as she comes closer. I put down a framed black and white picture of her and Cosmo and she deadpans "Yeah, I've become one of _those_ moms".

"It's a beautiful picture…", I say softly.

She nods and then ventures "You could've told me you were coming. I feel bad you waited all that time for me in chairs… You must be exhausted".

"Yeah" I nod but when I look up there's this warmth in her eyes and, _oh God please help me_ , I can't take it anymore. Her mere presence, the scent of her perfume that I could always distinguish over the septic hospital smell is driving me _insane_. I can feel my blood pressure going up and air leaves my lungs as I boldly back her against the wall and kiss her.

She seems to freeze for a second but when she responds and her hands cup my cheeks and her tongue parts my lips… I curl my hands behind her neck for support because I'm afraid my legs will fail me.

Susan pulls back for a second to give me this adorable smile and then kisses me again, this time slower, more sensually and before I know it, she's pressing her thigh between my legs and I let out an obscene moan.

She smiles against my lips "Shhh… you'll wake him".

"I'm sorry…", a flush of red warming my cheeks

"Don't apologize to me, come here…", she smiles slyly and when she presses herself against me, I can feel her nipples through her shirt and I realize she's not wearing a bra. The thought of her naked breasts under the fabric sends a bolt of excitement right to my clitoris.

I want her so much, I've wanted her for so _long_.

She takes me to her room that is lit only by a few tea-light candles. I smirk when I realize she's thought this through earlier.

Susan comes closer again and starts unbuttoning my shirt "I'm so glad you're here", she whispers before stealing another kiss. I regret not remembering to change into some sexy underwear earlier. She cups my breast over my bra, always keeping eye contact "Tell me if it's _working_ ", she says in the same tone she uses in the trauma room.

I nod "It's working", because it's ridiculous how wet I already am.

She stops to peel off her shirt and I feel like I might combust right there. See, I've seen so many naked people to the point where it's just skin and tissue to me. But her breasts are beautiful: their fullness, the pale skin, the rosy nipples.

I _can't_ look away.

"I want to touch you…", I end up whispering out loud and Susan chuckles coyly "I'm glad cause I really want you to…".

Her skin feels so warm in my hands. I feel like a horny pre-pubescent boy stroking her breasts like that, so I come closer and trail her neck and collarbone with my lips and tongue instead.

Susan seems to melt into my arms and we both collapse onto her bed.

* * *

With her head resting against my stomach, Susan smiles that big smile of hers "I always knew we'd have chemistry".

"So, you've thought about this before?", I smirk while I trace her cheek with my finger.

"A _lot_. And then I would feel so guilty about it… ", she answers absentmindedly.

I know what she means.

Susan rolls over and settles right next to me, hogging my pillow "How long can you stay?".

"I'm on the graveyard shift tomorrow…", I grimace but my face turns into a smile when her hair sweeps across my skin and her lips close around my nipple "Let's see how many times I can make you come until you have to leave…".

* * *

It takes a while, but I finally manage to transfer my residency.

There are days where I can't believe _this_ is my life and as I hold a sleeping Cosmo against my shoulder, my eyes go all blurry at the vision of her making me coffee, looking so pretty. She notices my tears when she rests the mug in front of me and her expression turns worried "What is it, baby?".

I look and swoon at the little one in my arms, then at her and smile "I love _us_. I love _you_ ".

Susan smiles gently, strokes a strand of sandy hair out of Cosmo's eyes.

Then she presses a gentle kiss to my hair and gives me a look that promises so much more "You're cute...".

THE END


End file.
